I’m kind of a “to each his own” person. If two people, no matter what sex, love each other enough to want to exchange vows to signify the depth of their commitment, I say, why not? I don’t really have a lot to say about it.

Day 17 — A book you’ve read that changed your views on something

I have to admit, I don’t read much. It’s one of the things about myself I feel guilty about and would like to change. I always say I don’t have time to read, but that’s just a cop-out. I have plenty of time to read, but I find myself watching TV or blogging. I need to change that, for sure.

Anyway, I guess I’d have to say, of the books I have read, The Secret is my choice. I’m sure a lot of people may answer that. And I must be honest, I didn’t read the whole book, but I watched the DVD. The Secret is based on The Law of Attraction—basically, what you think about, you bring about. If you focus on the negative, you will attract more negative. If you put out positive energy, you will attract positive things into your life. This has changed the way I think and my entire belief system.

Since I’m in a pretty deep rut these days, I get very frustrated because I have that belief system. I believe that if I’m not happy, I am the only one who can change it. So I get frustrated because, right now, there are things I just can not control right now and only time will take care of (Surprise, I’m a control freak). So, I’m learning patience and trusting the universe that whatever I need will present itself into my life.

I think what I need to do is finish reading that book, or even start at the beginning again. Maybe I’ll be re-inspired and will learn something new.

That’s easy—most of the vapid reality shows that are so popular, like Jersey Shore, either Kardashian show and other shows like that. I get very irritated, especially by Jersey Shore. Seriously, what do these people do to contribute to society enough to be on TV? And more importantly, WHY do people watch it? Why would someone waste their life watching people waste their lives? What is so interesting about watching people do their hair, go get tans, fight about petty shit, get drunk and act like a skank? In my opinion, it just makes our culture look as stupid as all the other cultures in the world think we are. These shows reinforce the “stupid American” reputation we’ve got. The fact that skanky girls who do nothing but get drunk, hook up, tan and get in cat fights are now famous for contributing nothing of substance, just irritates me. I really hope that they at least do something positive with the “break” they got. Maybe they do, but I just hate that a show like that glorifies wasting your life on superficial, empty nonsense. Nuff said.

Day 15 — Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it

Ummm… that would be red meat and seafood. I have tried on three different occasions in my 20′s to go vegetarian, but each time my body revolted. I just need a juicy filet mignon or a pile of crab legs every now and then. I truly think some people just need meat. Now, chicken, I could live without. Occasionally I’ll crave well-done chicken wings, but it’s more the experience I crave and not the chicken itself. I love going to a bar, watching football and eating wings. I’ve also been known to tear up some Chick-Fil-A, but I only eat that out of laziness (and not having a kitchen). I eat chicken, but it’s just not something I would order if I was going to a restaurant.

I would have loved to have been successful at being a vegetarian. I just think it’s a kinder way to be. I enjoy a lot of vegetarian cuisine and usually end up ordering meatless entrees when I dine out anyway. On the rare occasion I’m in the mood for Chinese food, I order steamed tofu and broccoli with brown rice and no sauce. They look at me like I have eight heads every time I order it, too.

When I eat Italian, it’s usually manicotti or lasagna, and in that case, I prefer a veggie lasagna with spinach. I’ve been known to make a meal of a caprese salad and a cup of minestrone or pasta fagioli (which is NOT supposed to have meat in it). And when I eat pasta, I usually opt for dishes without meat or chicken and with lots of veggies, like tomatoes, broccoli and sun-dried tomatoes.

Now, I would really love it if I could be successful at being a vegan. Besides the kindness to animals issue, I know dairy is horrible for you, and I feel so much better when I don’t eat it. But there would be some things I’d miss way too much, like fresh mozzarella, feta and goat cheeses.

I can’t force it. I’m just not meant to be a vegetarian (and definitely not a vegan). I’ve stopped trying to force myself to be what is not authentic to me. I love food too much to cut certain ones out. But that doesn’t mean I can’t still enjoy those cuisines.

Day 14 — A hero that has let you down.

Dear Dad,

I’ve written you many anger letters in the past. You know, the kinds of letters therapists have you write only for the purpose of getting all of your angry emotions out of your system, but are never supposed to send? Only, I’ve never had a problem actually giving those letters to you. I have usually been pretty up front with the many ways you’ve disappointed me. This letter, however, isn’t written out of anger. It’s written out of acceptance and sadness.

I just wanted to let you know that I am extremely sad when I go to weddings and see the bride dancing with her father. When I hear my friends tell wonderful stories about the great relationships they have with their fathers, I feel happy for them, but selfishly sad for myself because I don’t have that special father-daughter relationship that is so important to a girl. And boy does it explain a lot about me.

There are a few very early years that I remember you fondly. They all happened before I was 5. I remember this one day in particular when we made a fort out of a refrigerator box and watched the Little Rascals all afternoon while sitting in it. I remember when you would take me fishing, and we’d go to the beach and Mt. Trashmore and fly kites. And Mom tells me you used to paint my fingernails.

Those days were short-lived though and soon replaced with watching you get drunk and feel sorry for yourself every weekend. Or Matthew and I sat and played second to whatever girlfriend you had at the time. It was as if we were pebbles in your shoe, obstructing your pathway to selfishness. And eventually you became this person I do not even know anymore. Where is the wonderful father I remember as a girl? The smart, funny, loving man I seem to remember? One of my old therapists told me I suffered from “magical thinking” when it came to you. Usually when I do speak to you on the phone, it’s like I’m talking to a stranger that I’m making small talk with (Those who know me, know how much I hate small talk). But every once in a while I hear hints of the man I remember in your voice, and I get excited that he’s back. But he never is. I used to be so angry about it. But now I’ve just accepted that I just don’t have that father-figure-type of a man in my life, and nothing will ever change that. It’s like I’ve grieved the loss of a father.

Although I know you love me and never meant to hurt me this way, you can’t turn back time, and there are some things that just can’t be fixed. I forgive you and accept you, but I don’t see a way we can ever have that kind of relationship. We can’t just—poof—have a Hallmark father-daughter relationship after everything. It would take a lot of time and patience, and we’ve never had the opportunity to work on it, and I’m not sure we ever will.

So, I guess I will continue to… live vicariously through my friends who do have those types of fathers; watch the man I love be the kind of father to his daughter that every girl deserves; and relish the moments when I receive the rare gift of a father-type act of affection displayed to me whether it be from you, my stepfather, or a complete stranger.

I do love you, and I do miss you, the man I remember from a long time ago.

Love,

Keri

Dear Ani DiFranco,

I’m doing a blog project called 30 Days of Truth, and day 13′s assignment is to “write a letter to a band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.” I am obsessed with music and have always lived my life through music (if that makes sense?). I have various “soundtracks” to my life, if you will.

In the fall of 2000 I bought your album Little Plastic Castle and listened to it over and over again. I just so happened to be going through a break-up at the time, and the emotional ups and downs of that album just resonated with me perfectly. The title track lifted my spirits when I just wanted to sit in my funk and ferment. It made me feel hopeful that I would see sunny days again. Fuel is just a kick-ass track. I used to play it over and over again until I could recite it by heart, matching every bit of inflection in your voice. Gravel became my anthem every time I went through a break-up since I first heard it. Listening to it reminds me to stick to my guns and although good times and sweet moments were shared, that doesn’t make it ok to accept the bullshit certain selfish individuals dish out. As Is is a beautiful song. It reminds me that no body’s perfect and even though people make mistakes and have flaws, you can chose to accept them for who they are. Isn’t that what we all seek in one way or another? Acceptance of our authentic selves? Deep Dish is a fun song I sometimes hear in my head during one of those nights out that I don’t quite know where the night is going to take me… those rare nights for me that I just let go, throw caution to the wind and have fun… recklessly. Pixie is an awesome song because it incites me to just “get over it,” “move on” and to “suck it up.” Why dwell on shit? Whining isn’t going to make anything better. You get the picture. Independence Day I just love. The vulnerability of it. The honesty. Simply beautiful.

This album, as a whole, speaks strength and courage to me. It touches on many different emotions and gives me the boot in the ass I need to pick myself up by my bootstraps and keep on keepin’ on. I have been in a tremendously deep, icky funk lately. One that has been very hard to keep myself out of. It’s like fucking quicksand. I think it’s time to put this album back on the non-stop loop. It’s gotten me through some tough ass times before. I’m going through some tough ass times now, so why not? I’m so glad I had this assignment because it reminded me of the awesomeness of this album and it’s funk-fighting abilities.

Thank you, Ani, for creating a soundtrack just for me.

Sincerely,

Me

I never really thought about it. The topic alone suggests that I think I should be getting compliments on something that I’m not. But I will think and then pick something that I don’t ever get compliments on………………. now that I think about it—my ankles! Hahahaha! As a matter of fact, I have been insulted (unintentionally) on more than one occasion on them. About 4 1/2 years ago I was playing flag football at the annual company air show/flag football picnic, when the publisher lambasted me while we were both going for the ball. I heard a pop in my left knee and landed on my ass. He helped me up, and I limped off field. The pain was so bad, I ended up going to the ER later on that night. After triage, x-rays and waiting, the doctor finally came in to tell me it’s just a sprain, but that I need to check in with an orthopedic just to make sure.

He then lifts my left pant leg and says, “Oh yeah, your ankle is swollen.”

“Ummm, no, it’s not,” I replied.

“Yes, it is. See? It’s swollen. Look how swollen it is.”

At that point Mark, knowing what’s about to happen, starts nervously laughing and says, “Oh boy.”

I say back to the doctor matter-of-factly, “No. It’s not.”

Before he can snottily say back, “Yes, it is,” I lift my right pant leg to show him my other ankle and how it is the same size, and he uncomfortably says, “Oh…. I’m sorry.”

Mark and I busted out laughing.

So, yeah, no one wishes they had my ankles.

Day 11 — Something people seem to compliment you the most on

My eyes. I’ve actually had people ask, “are those your real eyes?” Ummm… yes? LOL

Day 10 — Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know

This one is just way too painful because I have a lot of guilt for having this feeling toward this person. It’s not their fault. There is just way too much drama and pain associated wherever this person goes, and it is draining and taxing, and not my responsibility to fix. I have a physiological response whenever I hear this person’s name, voice or see their number on my caller ID (my chest hurts, my blood pressure goes up, and I usually need a Xanax to numb myself). And because I have these feelings, I feel like a horrible, horrible person.

Day 09 — Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

There have been people that have let me go that I didn’t want to let me go and people that I have let go that I just decided it was best to let go. No hard feelings… just drifted apart.

In the instances that I was the one being let go, they didn’t have a conversation with me where they specifically said, “Hey, I don’t want to be in your life anymore. Lose my number.” They didn’t need to, their actions said it for them. In some cases it was a little more obvious than others.

Some were friends that I once lunched with every day and then suddenly stopped. My invites either kept getting rejected, or theirs just stopped coming my way. Looks were exchanged. I was now “odd girl out.” In those instances I think I thought I was better friends with those people than they considered me to be to them (did that make sense?). It really hurt when I realized that because I held them in such high regards. It affected my spirit, for sure. It’s never fun being snubbed and feeling embarrassed for trusting someone with your innermost feelings and it being thrown in your face at your most vulnerable time. I guess it has made me trust people less. It’s made it hard for me to believe people really like me and want to be my friend. I’ve become very weary because of it. I’ve always wanted to ask them why exactly they “turned” on me, but the right time for that has passed and it’s moot now anyway. It’s just sad. I still wish it never happened.

Others were friends who either moved away from me (or vice versa) that just stopped returning phone calls and texts and Facebook messages. I don’t understand it. Again, no hard feelings. I realize everybody gets wrapped up in their own lives and once you get out of the loop it takes too much energy to get caught back up again (which totally sucks); and some people withdraw when they’re going through tough times (I do). So, I don’t take it personally anymore. It’s taken me a long time to realize…. it’s not all about me! For instance, I have one good friend who I only talk to a few times a year. We live completely different lives, have completely different tastes, and completely different schedules. The great thing about it is, neither of us get our feathers ruffled if we don’t keep in contact more often than we do, and when we do reconnect, we pick up right where we left off. It’s wonderful… and low maintenance. And even though we only talk to each other a few times a year, we can both tell each other anything. I love it, and I love her.

Bottom line is, you can’t force friendship. Maybe this is my weariness talking, but I have learned to step back and follow the other person’s lead, and most importantly, I keep an open heart.